the january doldrums

does anyone else experience the january doldrums? it feels like the joy and magic of the winter holidays is over and now it’s time to put our nose to the grindstone and change everything that we hate about ourselves.

eat better!

exercise!

somehow whip your lack of executive functioning into order!

and I’ve been guilty of this fervor and zeal, this unrealistic push to bully one’s self into some idealized version, that is wholly and unrecognizably you.

this year, i’m saying no. i’m saying no to the hustle and grind. why would i want to lose even a gram of who i am? no, i’ve earned every grey hair, every sagging and wrinkly part of my body, all the chipped and jagged edges of my soul. i have been through some shit. it’s changed me. and i don’t want to dishonor all the work and effort i’ve put into becoming the glorious creature that i am; to negate how far i’ve come to be where i am today.

does that mean i won’t continue to try to improve myself? no. those processes aren’t mutually exclusive. i can bend and smooth and shape myself, without changing who i fundamentally am.

i can improve.

but i can also be satisfied.

i guess what i’m trying to get at, is that the typical new years resolutions that i’ve tried to accomplish in years past, has come from a place is self loathing. i hated who was looking back at me in the mirror. she was a complete and utter disappointment.

but to that, i say, whatchu talkin’ bout willis?

so, i think that, in order to dispel the january gloom, i’m going to spend the month celebrating who i am. to find the joy in the imperfection, to acknowledge and thank my body and mind for bringing me this far. because i know i have a lot to be grateful for.

even if it’s for the wrinkles and lumps and bumps.

because i am here.

and that, my darlings, is a joyous miracle to be honored.