the january doldrums

does anyone else experience the january doldrums? it feels like the joy and magic of the winter holidays is over and now it’s time to put our nose to the grindstone and change everything that we hate about ourselves.

eat better!

exercise!

somehow whip your lack of executive functioning into order!

and I’ve been guilty of this fervor and zeal, this unrealistic push to bully one’s self into some idealized version, that is wholly and unrecognizably you.

this year, i’m saying no. i’m saying no to the hustle and grind. why would i want to lose even a gram of who i am? no, i’ve earned every grey hair, every sagging and wrinkly part of my body, all the chipped and jagged edges of my soul. i have been through some shit. it’s changed me. and i don’t want to dishonor all the work and effort i’ve put into becoming the glorious creature that i am; to negate how far i’ve come to be where i am today.

does that mean i won’t continue to try to improve myself? no. those processes aren’t mutually exclusive. i can bend and smooth and shape myself, without changing who i fundamentally am.

i can improve.

but i can also be satisfied.

i guess what i’m trying to get at, is that the typical new years resolutions that i’ve tried to accomplish in years past, has come from a place is self loathing. i hated who was looking back at me in the mirror. she was a complete and utter disappointment.

but to that, i say, whatchu talkin’ bout willis?

so, i think that, in order to dispel the january gloom, i’m going to spend the month celebrating who i am. to find the joy in the imperfection, to acknowledge and thank my body and mind for bringing me this far. because i know i have a lot to be grateful for.

even if it’s for the wrinkles and lumps and bumps.

because i am here.

and that, my darlings, is a joyous miracle to be honored.

Holiday musings

so, we’re almost through 🎶 the most wonderful time of the year🎶. it happens to also be the month of my birth, although I won’t tell you what day just yet. needless to say, it’s a busy time of year around here.

i also have somehow managed to book more work in the last three months of this year than i have all year. funny how that happens. just goes to show you, you never know when it will rain.

this morning, i was pondering on the nature of creativity. don’t know about you, but for me, it’s like monsoon season, where i have all the ideas and all the energy to do them. and then there’s the drought, where everything is a slog and i have no new ideas, and i suck at everything.

you know?

how can i harness the power of my monsoon seasons to carry me through the doldrums?

write it down?

nah. i’ll probably lose the paper

put it on a spreadsheet?

more reliable, but somehow kills my creativity

i don’t know what the right answer is for me yet…

yet.

ah, what a magical word. one filled with possibilities; pregnant with a future yet untold. yet is a powerful word, my friend. a magical word. it holds within it the vastness of the universe. who knows where i’ll find the answer? but the power of yet means that i will find it. it is inevitable.

i’ll figure it out someday, how to preserve that magical deluge of ideas when it hits. but for now, i’ll take the creative rainy season as it comes and try to spread it as far as i can go.

should I write a blog?i should write a blog

So, I’ve been thinking. Maybe I should a put a blog on here? Maybe chronicle my career? My highlight reel, as it were. Maybe slide a little travel in there? And definitely a heaping helping of Kpop concerts and friends.

Yeah. I think that sounds good.

I think I’ll call it the sunshine chronicles because I am basically the love child of Leslie Knope and Ted Lasso. I always try to see the positive, bright side of things.

Now, that’s not to say everything is always sunshine and roses and that sometimes the demons win, because they do. Those demons… they be persistent. They’re my most stable relationship to date, actually.

But I always swing back around to the sunny side.

So yeah,

I think this sounds like a good idea.